Reflection
by Stephane Richer
Summary: I won't pretend that I'm someone else for all time


Reflection

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Christina Aguilera's or Mulan's "Reflection" song, Matsuri Hino's _Vampire Knight_ manga...nope. Nothing.

* * *

There were so many damn mirrors in this place. It almost made Yuki want to crack all of them in half, leave them lying on the floor as beautifully reflective shards, holding nothing but light and no pictures of her awful, augmented self.

No, the girl (vampire?) in these mirrors was not her. No matter how many times Kaname or Ichijo or anyone repeated phrases about her "family history" and her "true self", this could not be her. No, she did not know her real self if that was the case. Her memories and feelings from her life before the crisis had come back, yes, but it was as if she had been since reincarnated. Twice. She did not truly feel like a human girl, nor did she truly feel like a vampire. She had no idea who she was, in any sense of identity.

And it would be so much easier to figure out if they didn't keep shoving those stupid goddamn stories and facts down her throat, or surround her with the mirrors. Her eyes were all wrong. Her body's shape was all wrong. This wasn't her. She preened and pretended for her captive audience, but she was no perfect pureblood. It was exhausting to put up her facade, but easier than explaining herself. If she truly expressed her desire for freedom to move, to exist as she was, she would be chained up further by her (well-meaning, she was sure) brother and his cronies.

Sighing, Yuki sat down on the floor and looked up. No ceiling mirrors yet. Maybe if she stared long enough when she looked back at her reflection it would show who she expected. She counted down from ten and looked to her right. No such luck. If she could change into...this, why would she not be able to change back? Yuki flexed her fingers, and this time she counted to twenty. Still no luck. What good were these powers if she could not use them as herself? To reach her full potential as the self she knew?

She knew that, yes, she was different, a pureblood vampire. She was growing and changing rapidly with the new information and revelations about herself, about Zero, about the Hunters, about Kaname-sama, even. But, still. Yori would have tried to help Yuki with the change, not just thrust her in and leave her. Yori would know when Yuki was ready to deal with things herself and when she was still far away from being ready and needed a hand. Even Zero, who was grumpy about everything, would just shrug and give Yuki the freedom to be who she wanted to be without forcing too much on her.

Life should be so easy.

Yes, maybe there were reasons, good ones, for this immediacy and haste. There was, after all, a war on, and trained purebloods would certainly be part of the battles, be honed in on, be targeted. She should know how to defend herself. But what could vampire history defend her against? Ignorance? She already knew too much. Even as a human, Yuki was never book smart, and even the thought of tediously memorising all this ridiculous information made her want to pound the mirror-walls until they shattered. So what if there was blood all over? So what if they ate her alive? Better that than her going completely insane.

But what if she was insane already? What if she'd crossed the threshold, burned her bridges unintentionally? When would this all stop (would it stop at all)? Just dying wouldn't solve anything, only make things more convoluted and strange for everyone left behind. She owed it to Zero, certainly, to stay alive, to stay his target. She was his reason for living; killing herself would kill him, too.

And Kaname-sama? What about him? He had risked so much for her. Death was not the payback he deserved. And she owed it to the remaining purebloods (if there really were any others) to stay alive. They were a dying race. Why should she speed along the end?

But wasn't the end inevitable? Why should she fight fate? She looked back, without thinking, at the mirror. A scared but menacing face stared back. Yes, if she couldn't fight fate, who could? No, killing herself wasn't an option. She had to stay strong, to find herself, her real self, who wasn't just an identity that had been instantaneously ripped from her in one form or another. Her life had to have some meaning. There was a reason that she was brought into this world, and until she found out what it was and tried her hardest to accomplish it, she could not leave.

There was that old Yuki Cross's resolve and determination, even when facing something far stronger than she could hope to be. Blithe, naive, but strong and diligent. If she could achieve some of her goals, then this Yuki could, too. Even when she was trapped in this gilded cage, there was still something she could do, some small thing.

Around her, thousands of Yukis became lost in thought and furrowed their unlined brows, tossed their long hair over their right shoulders.

The facets of light focused on her face, casting what looked like shadows but were really pools of mirror-light, like she was underwater at the bottom of a giant swimming pool. The thousands of faces turned upward, studied the ceiling in synchronisation.

She heard the front door open. Kaname-sama was home. Jolted out of her reverie, she stood up and stretched. She took one last glance at her reflections as she exited the room to greet her brother affectionately. Fleetingly, she wondered if someday she would have a reflection that she could look in the eye and know inside-out. Or even that someday she might have a reflection she could be...proud of.


End file.
